New Eyes

     

Have you ever felt like you were never the same person as you were before? Like you can’t even remember what were your thoughts when you were younger? What was the world  like in your perception? Like you have lost a huge part of your memory? But even so, you don’t mind at all. And you’re happy with this change in your life.  Congratulations! You have new eyes.

I guess I overestimated the type of faith  I had when I was younger. I thought as long as I accept God in my life, I’m good. I have nothing to worry, I have nothing to do. As long as I get to pray, it will always be granted. I know he always hears. And I am under the assumption that as long as I’m not doing anything bad, our bond is strong. But I was so wrong. I have failed to notice the simple doubts and pain I would feel whenever those prayers aren’t granted. I would say to myself, “No, I don’t feel bad about it, He’s my God, He’s my everything.” That, I wanted to believe. But my emotions could betray me. If I really feel that way, my mirror shouldn’t have been greeting sad eyes everytime. I shouldn’t have known loneliness throughout my childhood years. Cos now I have finally understand that Life with God, may be full of hardships and pains, but I still should have a genuinely happy soul.

I was five when I first met God. My childless aunt and her husband took care of me for 3 years. My mother was working overseas at that time, and I guess, my father just don’t know what to do since I need to start schooling already. But because of that, I get to be a part of a real church. I learned how to pray whole-heartedly. I learned how to talk to Jesus, and share to Him my joys and pains. I get to share how I misses my father so much, and talk about other childish stuff. He was my unseen bestfriend, and my healer. He knew I was sad. Yes, I was too young to meet sadness. Why didn’t father want me anymore? I know I was spoiled back then but I wanna be with him as I grow up. I felt like I was losing my family one by one. I got ill. My aunt had to spend a lot for my medication and I really feel bad. When they noticed that I wasn’t really happy, that I have almost forgotten how to play and laugh aloud, and that I would get sick every year, they decided to give me back to my father. No, erase that, I requested to go back home. And before the school year ended, I was relieved when a blessing came in their life. They had their own child at last. I don’t have to feel bad anymore. Someone will make them happy. And I get to smell my father’s scent again, everyday.

When I went home, I left the church. Not only the service every Sunday, but my regular chattime with Jesus. I remembered, very vaguely, that I forgot to pray. I regretted that. I knew Jesus missed me. But my bestfriend is very persistent. He would always send someone to make me join His church. I joined 2 different summer church classes, and though I wasn’t been able to stay on any of these church, what’s important is that I get to know more about God. I knew I was reading the Bible real seriously. I get to meet a lot of Biblical characters. At a young age, I showed enthusiasm in reading (and sharing) Biblical stories. As a matter-of-fact, I get to represent school in a bible quiz. (and yeah, we won)  I was not part of any church, to my dismay, but it’s either I self-studied, or my unseen bestfriend taught me the things I need to know about Him. I’m not sure. I knew He was around but I was being pig-headed. I was ignoring His presence. Yes, that’s the type of faith I had before—full of assumption and in-denial. Nobody was guiding me in my spiritual journey. I acknowledged Him as my God, I listened to His words, but I lacked the passion of true praise and worship. It’s funny that only while I’m writing this did I realize, God has never really been a part of me before. He remained unseen and unfelt in my life. That’s why I still lived a sorrowful life. I did not open my heart fully to see Jesus consoling me. He was always there, always making me calm and giving me comfort. Sometimes, I notice, most of the time I don’t. I commited sins, and the worst thing is that I know He was watching. I DO KNOW HE WAS HURTING, but I did it anyway. I abused His love. The worst thing any child would do. I repented, I still do. I spent my whole life searching for the right church to guide me and show me the right path. In my thirst of true relationship with God, and a guilt-free life, I have visited one church from another, some I only visited once, others I tried to embrace, but none really made me stay. I knew God set a place for me. I knew there’s a church for me. And now, I believe I have truly found it.

It was really worth the long search. God led me to the best place of all. It’s the only peaceful yet exciting place in this city. The place I would not get tired going to everyday. Because of them, I saw what I  was searching for. I learned what was lacking. I have learned the true value of praise and worship, on how a simple hymn, the holy spirit could be very visible and powerful that it can make your heart pound and your knees buckle. A feeling felt not by the body but by the soul. A gloriously wonderful feeling, I would want to feel it over and over again. They made me realize that I should not be afraid in sharing my skills to make God’s church grow. All hesitations and preservation of starting new life with God has faded away. I am more confident, more courageuos, fearless, and shameless to be a true disciple of God. I’m gonna commit my whole life and strength as an instrument of God, to share his words to others. I thought, the music team are so great but I know God’s glory is with them. I wish to hear their songs on fm stations, at the mall, at the diner, everywhere. Their songs can affect a person’s heart, and I would want everyone to experience the same bliss of feeling God’s love. I would want everyone to have the same intimate relationship with God. I want everyone to have the same clear eyes as my new one.