My thoughts for HIM. Only HIM

"He who loved, gave His son

Saw his tears on the cross

He who died felt the weight

Of the world through the nails"

           

               I'm a fan of mushy movies. Nicholas Sparks' novels are one of the mushiest I know. It's good to cry sometimes over a tragic ending or heartbreaking scene. It's good to cry cos you know it's not gonna last and you'll recover soon. It's just really feel good to feel different emotions once in a while to spice up your life. And if you're someone like me, I wanna ask you, have you seen the 'Passion of the Christ' movie? 

             Me, I haven't. I probably have seen some short scenes in YouTube, but I never had the courage to watch the whole movie. I remember that I would automatically cover my eyes cos it's so painful to watch. It's okay if you think I'm weak. You may think Sparks' movies makes you cry just the same. Or other movies are even more tearjerker. But this one's very different. Sometimes, I would wish that this movie is an exaggeration. I would hope that Jesus never really suffered like that. But I know better. The whip they used on Him really cut his flesh and even peeled off his skin. The thorn crown was carelessly put on his head, blood came dropping on his face. They beat Him, spit on Him, made fun of Him, gambled for His clothes, and nailed Him on the cross. Just reading it in the Bible already stings the heart, but watching it makes me lose strength. I'm glad someone made a movie out of it. It is for those people who may not have time to read the Bible or for those who may actually need a re-enactment to fully understand the passion of Christ. This is not a simple story you're gonna cry over then you'll forget afterwards. It's not something you can ignore and that it's actually okay whether you're aware of it or not. This is reality and this is actually all about you and about life itself. 

                  You will never know your purpose in this world unless you find out and fully understand what remarkable thing happened two thousand years ago. We celebrate it every year but do we truly understand? Do we take it by heart? Do we only remember it during the holy week? It's not an ordinary celebration like birthdays or Christmas. It was a victorious moment when Jesus has won us over sin. The great transfer; the biggest sacrifice. He was righteous, we were sinners. On that fateful day, the world witnessed the agony of Jesus, who carried all our sins in His shoulders, transferred his righteousness within us, and died on the cross with our sins. 

But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

                Now, do we remember just because we celebrate it the traditional way? There's nothing wrong with tradition. But we should never forget. We should repent for our sins, not because the event is asking us too, but because it's the only way to give justice of what Jesus died for on that cross. Repentance is not done by hurting yourself by whip, or nailing yourself on the cross. It is by asking for forgiveness from God, surrendering your whole life to Him, and making a pact no to sin again. Ever again. Holy week is not your scapegoat to pay for your sin by doing sacrifices then eventually doing it over and over after the Holy week is over. You are fooling yourself. Your sins have been paid for two thousand years ago. God doesn't need those sacrifices you are doing right now cause He will only accept the sacrifice that Jesus did before. A sacrifice made by the perfect lamb. As Jesus said on the cross, "It is finished". No continuation, no part 2, no second batch. It is done. The only way to receive this grace from God is by giving your faith in Him, trusting Christ alone, and living your life in Him.

             If you're still clueless or simply doesn't care about that significant moment that ever happened in human history, I wanted to say that I pity you. You don't know whom to thank for with those abundant blessings you are receiving. You can't feel this certain bliss of just being showered by His love and attention. You never experience the heart-pounding, knees buckling, and tear-jerking moments even just by singing praise and worship for Him. You will never feel the goosebumps, that wonderful goosebumps, whenever He tries to hug you. I wanted to say that I pity you, but I actually don't. Because guess what? The good news is, it's not too late. It's never too late. Our time is short, but Jesus is persistent. He built His church a long time ago, He was well-prepared. He trained His own armies to save all humanities. So I say, guys and girls, this isn't the time to slack off. Don't close your ears from His call. Quit struggling from His embrace. Surrender your life to Jesus. Leave your sinful ways. Because you know that when Jesus gave His life for us on that cross, that will be the first and the last time. If you still refuse to accept Him as your God and live your life for Him, there will be no other Jesus who can save us this time. You know there wouldn't. You take it, or you leave it. So think about it.

                    I'm no pastor, nor preacher, or any group leader, so you may think I don't have the rights to act as a know-it-all and so-holy-like in this entry. To be honest, in our church, I'm just starting to build my own part. But I'm learning a lot, thanks to our victory pastors who have been very good in  guiding us with our spiritual journey. God blesses Pastor Jonas who has always been very effective in what he do. I was in the right place, I'm with the right people, I have the Bible, and I had Jesus all along. Anyone could speak about his words. It was His command. As long as your speaking the truth, do not be afraid. God is with you. This is the real essence of this blog. Very few will read it I know. But what's essential is I have shared my thoughts for Him. only Him.

Fangirling and Nonsensibilities

   

         Nahiya ako sa sarili ko nung binisita ko yung account ko sa wattpad. Medyo dumami pala yung nakabasa nung mga stories na pinublish ko dun samantalang nung elementary ko pa ginawa yung mga yun. Omo! Buti na lang ibang pen name pa gamit ko. Kaso sayang talaga. Di ko na mapapakinabangan yung mga stories na yun. Wala na silang credibility. nehehe. Andun pa man din yung stories ng mga taong malapit sa akin. Dun ko pinaglove-team si Kuya Nat at Mel na awkward pala sa isa't-sa. *note: Dalawang beses ko silang pinagloveteam, di ko alam kung anong pinaglalaban ko. Ginawa kong monster na matakaw si Kulot at magaling na chef ang galawgaw na si Joniel (na hindi ako kilala sa tunay na buhay) :3  Di kasi ako nag-iisip, publish lang ako ng publish, ni hindi ko man lang nireview ng maigi. Buti wala'ng mga nanlait. haha.

         Ha'ay! Bahala na kung sumakit ang mga mata nila sa kakabasa nung mga corny kung kwento. Ginusto nila yun. *evil laugh* Gagawa na lang siguro ako ng bago'ng account. Yung medyo matino. Again, "medyo" lang. Maka-react naman kayo. Pero, mmm... tsaka na siguro. Nakakatamad. Mabagal ang internet. Tsaka, masyado nang madami dun. Ubos na ang mga ideya. Gasgas na ang mga pick up lines. Wala na sa dictionary si originality. Dadaan na sa tenga ko ang dugong galing sa utak ko pero malabo nang makaisip ako ng kwento'ng wala pang kahit sinong sumulat. Nabuhay si Shakespeare at Allan Poe nung unang panahon at ininvade ang mundo ng creativity. Gumawa sila ng mga kwentong susukuan ng brain cells ko. Sila nah! Sila na talagah!! Haha

          Nawindang ako sa biglang sikat ng wattpad sa earth. Sumasakit ulo ko pag bumibisita ako sa national bookstore. Dati si Bob Ong at Sonia F lang hinahalukay ko dun. Ngayon, mas lumalim yung kailangan kung halukayin kasi natabunan na sila pareho nina haveyouseenthisgirl at alessana marie. At grabe naman yung My Facebook boyfriend, parang masakit sa loob ni author na lagyan ng ending yung kwento. Di pa tapos sa book 4. Sa sobrang atat kong tapusin yung story, dalawang book 4 yung nabili ko. Whooh! Grabe! Sarap kumanta ng praise and worship. Ibalik nyo 200 ko huhu. Spell sawi? Eh di c-h-a-r-m. haha

           Dahil tuloy sa wattpad, nauso ang Reid Alert. Si James Reid na parang sculptured ang mukha. Ang bait ng Diyos sayo beh, Pinagpuyatan ka siguro'ng gawin. Di tulad namin, nirush, lols. Sorry sa mga kathniel fans, kahit mas magaling umarte  sina kathrine at daniel, mas masarap subaybayan ang love team ni nads at james. Kailangang malaman ng mga kageneration ko, (daw) kung magkakadevelopan yung dalawa. Pag nangyari yun, eh di kudos for cutie cupid. Magaling talagang gumawa ng love story si Daddy Faithful. Mana ako sa kanya. mwahaha. Sa mga behind the scenes nila, mas nakakatawa kesa nakakakilig. Si James, tulog ng tulog, si Nads, kain ng kain. Bagay!!!!

Balang araw, makikita ko din yang dalawang yan sa personal. Itaga nyo sa kamote cue. 

            Nakakatawa kasi nagagawa ko pa din palang magfan girl. Matagal na kasi ako'ng nakipagsplit sa tv namin. Mula pa nung college. Di ko nga akalaing makakamove on pa ako. Nung elementary at high school kasi ako, kabisado ko ang sequence sa airtime ng mga palabas sa lahat ng channels. Gifted ko no? Tama ka, adik ako sa tv. Pero madami din naman ako'ng natutunan. Dun ko nakuha ang love for literature. (bukod kay Ma'am Tuesday). Dun ko din nakilala sila Rico Yan, Harry Potter, Jun Matsumuto at Ikuta Toma. Dahil sa tv nakilala ko ang soulmate ko. Si Luffy ng One Piece.

            Grabe kayo, di naman ako pathetic. Kung di lang ako mahiyain, papadalhan ko talaga ng love letter si Oda para palitan na lang yung pangalan ni Boa Hancock ng Charm Hancock. Feeling ko kasi sila pa rin ang magkakatuluyan. Indenial lang si Luffy. 

            Matino pa ang pag-iisip ko. May sapi lang siguro ang keyboard ko. Wag ka na lang maingay. Kasi matutulog na ako. Oyasuminasai!

           

SCENTLESS

Perfumes don’t lie, memories

don’t go; Spring is on its way, and your

scent is on my clothes. I would

sleep at the sound of your

breathing. Heartbeats

to heartbeats’ chat.

You seemed happy

when we were

together,

why’d you

let us apart?

I missed you

so, that I can’t

breathe; I let you

go,don’t wanna hear

you plead. Twelve leaves

have fallen, my heart stayed

broken;Unwilling to move,tracks

stayed frozen.In the attic room where I

came weeping,I found a bottle in the dusty

floor sleeping. It's a glass of perfume, unempty, 

but with immense familiarity. So I start uncapping,

and things became confusing as I smelled no scent.Then,

and then...memories hit so sudden. 'Tis the haven of mine own

tears!This I shed when you left,and now triggers grief.How surprises

greet!Did I shed this much?And miserable I really was?Every night I’ll

cry and the basin cold would catch my tears.And each night I’ll pray,“GOD,

please send him back to me!”My clothes still smelled like you;my bed still

painted in blue. If moving on means forgetting you, then I’ll sing songs

with lyrics untrue. Life was blissful with your hands in mine. It felt

like heaven with our fingers entwine.This perfume bottle filled

with the sadness of time,I shall perish with your memories

inside. I pray thee, quit hunting my thoughts.

tik tok goes the clock...

                  Pangarap kong maging tambay. Nung sinabi ko yun sa bestfriend ko, tumawa siya. Di ko alam kung dahil sa pangarap niya din yun, o dahil sobrang ridiculous lang nung sinabi ko. Tumawa din naman ako. Pero ang hindi niya alam, seryoso ako. Gusto ko naman talagang maging tambay, eh. Gusto kong patayin ang oras na nakatunganga sa kawalan. Gusto kong kumilos lang kung kinakailangan. Gusto kong maging tambay. At motivated talaga akong tuparin ang pangarap kong yun.
             
               

New Eyes

     

Have you ever felt like you were never the same person as you were before? Like you can’t even remember what were your thoughts when you were younger? What was the world  like in your perception? Like you have lost a huge part of your memory? But even so, you don’t mind at all. And you’re happy with this change in your life.  Congratulations! You have new eyes.

I guess I overestimated the type of faith  I had when I was younger. I thought as long as I accept God in my life, I’m good. I have nothing to worry, I have nothing to do. As long as I get to pray, it will always be granted. I know he always hears. And I am under the assumption that as long as I’m not doing anything bad, our bond is strong. But I was so wrong. I have failed to notice the simple doubts and pain I would feel whenever those prayers aren’t granted. I would say to myself, “No, I don’t feel bad about it, He’s my God, He’s my everything.” That, I wanted to believe. But my emotions could betray me. If I really feel that way, my mirror shouldn’t have been greeting sad eyes everytime. I shouldn’t have known loneliness throughout my childhood years. Cos now I have finally understand that Life with God, may be full of hardships and pains, but I still should have a genuinely happy soul.

I was five when I first met God. My childless aunt and her husband took care of me for 3 years. My mother was working overseas at that time, and I guess, my father just don’t know what to do since I need to start schooling already. But because of that, I get to be a part of a real church. I learned how to pray whole-heartedly. I learned how to talk to Jesus, and share to Him my joys and pains. I get to share how I misses my father so much, and talk about other childish stuff. He was my unseen bestfriend, and my healer. He knew I was sad. Yes, I was too young to meet sadness. Why didn’t father want me anymore? I know I was spoiled back then but I wanna be with him as I grow up. I felt like I was losing my family one by one. I got ill. My aunt had to spend a lot for my medication and I really feel bad. When they noticed that I wasn’t really happy, that I have almost forgotten how to play and laugh aloud, and that I would get sick every year, they decided to give me back to my father. No, erase that, I requested to go back home. And before the school year ended, I was relieved when a blessing came in their life. They had their own child at last. I don’t have to feel bad anymore. Someone will make them happy. And I get to smell my father’s scent again, everyday.

When I went home, I left the church. Not only the service every Sunday, but my regular chattime with Jesus. I remembered, very vaguely, that I forgot to pray. I regretted that. I knew Jesus missed me. But my bestfriend is very persistent. He would always send someone to make me join His church. I joined 2 different summer church classes, and though I wasn’t been able to stay on any of these church, what’s important is that I get to know more about God. I knew I was reading the Bible real seriously. I get to meet a lot of Biblical characters. At a young age, I showed enthusiasm in reading (and sharing) Biblical stories. As a matter-of-fact, I get to represent school in a bible quiz. (and yeah, we won)  I was not part of any church, to my dismay, but it’s either I self-studied, or my unseen bestfriend taught me the things I need to know about Him. I’m not sure. I knew He was around but I was being pig-headed. I was ignoring His presence. Yes, that’s the type of faith I had before—full of assumption and in-denial. Nobody was guiding me in my spiritual journey. I acknowledged Him as my God, I listened to His words, but I lacked the passion of true praise and worship. It’s funny that only while I’m writing this did I realize, God has never really been a part of me before. He remained unseen and unfelt in my life. That’s why I still lived a sorrowful life. I did not open my heart fully to see Jesus consoling me. He was always there, always making me calm and giving me comfort. Sometimes, I notice, most of the time I don’t. I commited sins, and the worst thing is that I know He was watching. I DO KNOW HE WAS HURTING, but I did it anyway. I abused His love. The worst thing any child would do. I repented, I still do. I spent my whole life searching for the right church to guide me and show me the right path. In my thirst of true relationship with God, and a guilt-free life, I have visited one church from another, some I only visited once, others I tried to embrace, but none really made me stay. I knew God set a place for me. I knew there’s a church for me. And now, I believe I have truly found it.

It was really worth the long search. God led me to the best place of all. It’s the only peaceful yet exciting place in this city. The place I would not get tired going to everyday. Because of them, I saw what I  was searching for. I learned what was lacking. I have learned the true value of praise and worship, on how a simple hymn, the holy spirit could be very visible and powerful that it can make your heart pound and your knees buckle. A feeling felt not by the body but by the soul. A gloriously wonderful feeling, I would want to feel it over and over again. They made me realize that I should not be afraid in sharing my skills to make God’s church grow. All hesitations and preservation of starting new life with God has faded away. I am more confident, more courageuos, fearless, and shameless to be a true disciple of God. I’m gonna commit my whole life and strength as an instrument of God, to share his words to others. I thought, the music team are so great but I know God’s glory is with them. I wish to hear their songs on fm stations, at the mall, at the diner, everywhere. Their songs can affect a person’s heart, and I would want everyone to experience the same bliss of feeling God’s love. I would want everyone to have the same intimate relationship with God. I want everyone to have the same clear eyes as my new one.

Walang masamang chocolate

          Life is unfair, but it is sweet. Parang chocolate na originally, mapait talaga pero dahil sa mga ingredients na hinalo dito, nagiging matamis. Ngayon anong mas masarap? asukal na purong tamis? o tsokolate'ng magkahalong pait at tamis?
          Malamang tinatanong nyo kung ano na namang pinaglalaban ko, wala. Wala kasing masamang chocolate.

          Andaming reklamo. Puro na lang reklamo. Bakit ganito, bakit ganyan. Bakit hindi madali ang buhay? Bakit masungit ang boss mo? Bakit matraffic sa EDSA? Bakit maraming kurakot sa gobyerno? Bakit ubos na naman ang toothpaste mo? Bukod sa lagi'ng umuulan ng laway, nakakadagdag pa sa noise pollution. Nakakasawa nang marinig sa araw-araw ang mga reklamo'ng minsan, wala na ring sense. Magreklamo kayo sa barangay! Pero kung iisipin kong mabuti, diba't pagrereklamo din tong ginagawa ko? Bakit inaaway ko yung mga taong ginawang hobby sa buhay ang magreklamo? Exactly. Ganun nga yun. Di perpekto ang buhay. Kailanman, di tayo makakalasap  ng contentment habang nandito pa tayo sa mundo'ng to. Marami pa ring kulang. Maraming pangangailangan, basic man yan o luxury na lang, na hahanapan natin ng paraan para mapunan. O kung hindi man, isisisi natin sa ibang tao ang kasalanan. Hanep! hugas-kamay, punas-laway.
           Ang nangyayari, kapag kasi hindi nasusunod ang gusto natin, kung umasta tayo parang katapusan na ng mundo. Bumagal lang yung internet, FU agad? Uulanin mo ng mura yung provider mo at lahat ng makakasalubong mo sinisimangutan o sinusungitan mo. Badtrip ka na, nandamay ka pa. Eh di waw! Nawawala na yung konsepto ng open-mindedness at purong kababawan na lang ang naghahari sa earth.
           Simple lang naman talaga ang buhay, at tao lang din ang nagpapakumplikado. Hindi lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo. Kahit gano ma pa kagusto ang isang bagay, kung hindi mo man makuha ngayon, kunin mo bukas. Namiss mo yung episode sa paborito mong teleserye, isearch mo sa youtube. Hirap kang mag-stream kasi mabagal ang smart, punta ka ng net shop. Nakakadisappoint, nakakawala ng pasensya, pero wala kang mabibiling supply ng patience sa mall. Tipirin mo kung anong meron ka. Matuto kang huminga ng malalim para malamigan ng hangin ang umiinit mo ng ulo. At hindi ka anime kaya tanggalin mo yang angry veins sa noo mo. Pakiusap lang, wag mo ng istress ang sarili mo para lang magalit sa ibang walang kaalam-alam sa nangyayaring topak sayo. Kung galit ka sa mundo, magkulong ka sa kwarto, ilabas mo yung boodoo doll mo at tusok-tusukin mo ng karayom habang kumakanta ka ng praise and worship. And please wag mong kalimutang maglock ng pinto.
            Laging panalo sakin ang ice cream and chocolate pampakalma. Bukod sa nagtatapon ako ng pera sa national bookstore para lang bumili ng librong isusumpa mo pagkatapos, madaling makapagpalamig ng ulo ang isang galong ice cream o isang buong bar ng Cadbury. Parang lahat ay tahimik at mapayapa. Parang napakasarap mabuhay sa mundong ibabaw. (Ba't bigla ako'ng nagcrave sa siomai?) Ito na yung tipong kahit mga guard o pulubi gusto mong ngitian. o lahat ng street children gusto mong ampunin. Okay, so exaggerated nga ako, pero maraming paraan para maibsan ang init ng ulo. Gawin mo, hindi para sa ibang tao, kundi para sakin. Stress ako sayo eh.
             Massage deluxe, shopping spree, out of town vacation, o kahit simpleng movie marathon with isang sako ng french fries, di ba ansarap? Heaven! This is life! Pero maappreciate mo ba yang mga luxury na iyan kung wala kang naranasang stress? kung di ka naburn out sa work? Malamang hindi. Kumbaga, sakto lang. Sa facebook emoticon, feeling meh. Ang buhay natin ay isang dambuhalang chocolate. Mapait talaga. Pero kung alam nating sumabay sa tamang proseso ng buhay, at may gabay ng pinakamagaling na patissiere sa lahat, sa tamang timpla lang, magiging makulay at exciting ang laman ng autobiography mo.