when it's almost dusk

When it’s almost dusk,

The sun bids farewell and touched gold on the leaves of oak.

Here comes the man, whom by his shoulders I ride;

Singing sonatas I’ll forever remember;


‘Taught me the melodies, till I could sing on my own.



Giggles echoed o’er the fields;

Breaking the harmony among these birds that feast

Around the rows of string beans and bitter melon’

The ticklish beard of my hero

Brought screams and laughter from mine own lips.



The path for home is steep.

I’m four and young and naïve

So I stayed behind my superman’s back.

He’s tired, yet he’s as strong as a bull;

Kept me away from harm,

He’s nice like my warmest shawl.



I wish I could freeze his biological clock ticking.

Pray I could keep him young and kicking.

Hope I could hide him from HEAVEN forever…

‘Coz the hero I once knew is now old and weak,

With gray hair and pale smiles and eyes that’s sad;

Though we can never visit the rice field again,

I’ll just sit beside his rocking chair and sing

my father’s sonata. That, I’ll forever keep.

Beers and Tears

     

      "All I can think of is the pleasant face of that girl who accepted me as I am. Who loved me despite my imperfections. And whom I've learned to care for in return."

   "...and this is DJ SioPao greeting all of you a frosty cold evening. Welcome to my show, 'A Night With SioPao'. Join me till midnight as we listen to your favorite love songs and help me give advices to our callers on air." "Now for our first song, here's A Great Big world for Say Something"



And I will stumble & fall


I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

"You're still listening to 99.5 lovemhrrradio. This is your host, DJ Siopao. And let's all welcome our first caller." Phones ringing at the background.

"Hi, DJ Pao... Good evening." said a girl's voice on the other line.

"And hello to you, prettiful. What's your name?"

"Jenny."

"Hi, Jenny. How are you this evening?"

"Ahm, not so good, Dj, I really need your advice."

"Well, we're all ears."

"I guess you can say that I'm part of the big messy bandwagon of those who got friendzoned."

"Ah! Welcome to the club."

"I mean, I know I should've known from the start, and I'm not a kid, and it's just sound so stupid that I wasn't able to guard my heart like that. But everything's too late now. I have fallen madly in love with him."

"Falling in love is never a stupid thing. It's just a wonderful crazy feeling. So tell us more about him."

"His name is Tommy. My roommate, and my best friend. And I'm in love with him for three years. You see, you can't really blame me. He always makes me feel special. He takes care of me, and he did things no one has ever done for me before. He's sweet and also a complete gentleman."

"So, Jenny. Has he ever tried proposing his feelings to you?"

"No, dj. He's always quiet about what he feels. I actually thought most guys are like him. I take it mostly by his actions. Specially when he gets jealous with the other guys I hang out with. It would set my hopes high, to be honest. Plus, he hasn't been bringing home some girlfriends lately...so.."

And I will swallow my pride


You're the one that I love


And I'm saying goodbye


"I was very willing to fight for my love for him. I know that he knows what I feel. He just chose to ignore it. I thought I had a chance. But DJ, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of hurting. I had a lot of regrets. My mind is telling me that I should leave him. I should move away. But my heart says if I leave him now, I'm gonna lose him forever."




Say something, I'm giving up on you


And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you


And anywhere I would've followed you (Ooh-oh)


Say something, I'm giving up on you




Say something, I'm giving up on you


Say something...



"We always put our mind and heart at war." DJ Paolo said at last. "Always contradicting each other. My mind says this, my heart says this. For me, you should follow your heart, but let your mind guide it with full wisdom. It's high time you talk to him about your feelings. Tell him about your plans. Show him that you also have a life and dreams to follow, and that he can't be your world forever.
Try to tell him that you will leave him, then observe his reaction. Is there hurt? Is there loneliness? Did he try to make you stay?
If not, move on. Heal your heart. And search for the love you deserve."



"I understand now. T-thanks DJ..." Jenny bid goodbye.



"I just want to remind everyone of you that its not a bad thing to fall in love with your best friend. It's actually the sweetest IF it was requited. Because the friendship itself is your foundation. The period of your friendship is almost the same as the dating period in courting. Only stronger, cos God gave you a longer time to know your partner. Right? That's my say. To our listeners out there, please share your thoughts about Jenny's love problem. Comment on our facebook page or send it to 1432 for globe subscribers and 5254 for smart users. And Jenny this is my song for you."



"Things I'll Never Say"


I'm tugging at my hair

I'm pulling at my clothes

I'm trying to keep my cool

I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet

My cheeks are turning red

I'm searching for the words inside my head


(Cause) I'm feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Cause I know you're worth it

You're worth it

Yeah



If I could say what I want to say

I'd say I wanna blow you... away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight

If I could say what I want to see

I want to see you go down

On one knee

Marry me today

Guess, I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say


"Did you guys enjoy the song? Well, I hope you did. So, for those who just tuned in on there radios, welcome. You're listening to A night with Siopao here in 99.5 lovemhyrrradio. And we're gonna have our next caller." Ringing background.



"H-hello?", answered a husky voice from the other line.


"Hello!"


"DJ Pao?"

"Yes! Good evening. This is DJ SioPao."

"Ah, yeah. This is Jet."

"Hi,... So, Jet. What's your story for us today?"

" I was just wondering if maybe I could... ah...s-share my own story... I want to... share it to all your listeners."

"Oh... well, actually—-"

"It could be an inspiration to others, you know. My failures, I mean... And all my regrets and bitterness in life, I want the world to hear them..."

"That sounds...unhappy, dude."

"It is. I am hoping that through my story, others would avoid committing the same mistakes I had. Especially to all the bad guys out there, I wish you're listening. Hear my story."

"Wow. Your story sounds interesting. But... well...I guess, this would be a first" he sighed. "Jet, dude, speak your heart out."

"Thanks." He cleared his throat. "My story happened five years ago. I was twenty..."











"Damn! My jaw hurts. I think it's broken. I'll go see a doctor."



I puffed another smoke from my stick and gave Nick a disgusting look. "Tsss! Such a baby. Who needs a doctor? That's merely a scratch."



Nick stood up and pressed his fist on my right cheekbone just before I felt that shot of pain that almost knocked me off my breath. "Aw!" I jerked away his arms. " Sh*t, man! That hurts!" They all laughed. Ugh!



"Jetsky boy!"



I looked at Sean with a knotted forehead. "Get lost! Shoo! I told you not to call me that." I puffed the last smoke before ditching the cigarette on the grass.



He just laughed. "Anyway, if ever those pigs attacked you again, just ring us. I would love another exercise."



Pch! He talks as if he didn't get his face black and blue. But seriously, I was glad they were here. No matter how good I am in fighting and rumbles, fifteen jerks against one cute guy (okay jerk. One cute jerk) is not easy. Not fair.



"Dude! We should get going. The guys are tired." He motioned his head towards his men. Yes, this innocent-looking handsome guy beside me was the leader of a gang. Though I and Nick don't have our own fraternities, we consider ourselves gangsters as well.



"Shoot! Thanks, man!"



Sean and the rest of the group left with their convoy. Nick just patted my shoulder (I flinched because he caught another burning area), rode on his motorbike then left. My bike ran out of gas so I just walked towards the nearest convenience store.



It was nearly 12am so the 7-eleven was almost deserted. I walked towards the counter and asked for two beers.



"Will you also be needing some bandages for your wounds, Sir?", asked the smiling girl at the back of the cash register. She's pretty but who cares?



"Did I order for some? Mind your own business. Stupid."



Her eyes grew big. [O_0]Then narrowed with irritation. [¬_¬]



She gave me my beer and I handed out my credit card.



"Sir, your card isn't working.", she said with a bored look. [±_±]



"What?!", I snapped. She showed the monitor. Access denied. I gave my other cards but they were all blocked. Gee! Thanks, dad.



I opened my wallet but my cash wasn't enough. It only managed to buy me a single beer. I sat on one of the tables and massaged my aching shoulders. I felt like a total loser. How am I supposed to live without money? It cost much for a pack of cocaine. Drat! I wouldn't want to miss one session tonight.



The other costumers had left and I had gone solo with the nosy cash register girl. I caught her yawning. Then picked a thick book and started reading. She was whispering the words as if she was memorizing them. I don't know what had gone to my mind, but...



"Hey!", she didn't bothered looking at me. "Hey, miss!" she looked with her eyes, not moving her head. "My table is dirty."



She glanced at my table and frowned. "It looks clean enough."



I poured a little of my beer on it, looked at her disbelieving eyes and open mouth, then shrugged.



She took a deep breath (to calm herself I guess) then she grabbed the rug before marching towards me. I just watched her as she clean the mess I made.



She put her hands on her waist after and glared at me. "With all due respect, SIR... please don't do such thing a—"



She wasn't been able to finish her words as I poured another drops of beer on the floor. She just stood there motionless. I knew I got her angrier. But she wasn't looking at me. She was staring at the beer-wetted floor. She spent ten seconds before walking towards the mop in the corner. She worked silently as I continued dripping the liquid on the other parts of the floor. I was acting like a kid I know but I can't help it. It was fun pissing her off. I stopped what I was doing and just drank the rest of my beer but it was already empty. Not even a drop left. I heard her smirk. When I turned to her, her lips were twitched and I saw a glint of triumph in her eyes.

I stood up and left the hellish place.



When I came to my new school the next day, that's when I realized that my encounter with the nosy cash register girl did not end that night. It turns out that she's one of my classmates. Great. How fate works. She recognized me and was as shocked as I was. But to my surprise, she smiled at me, even waved her hand as if we're friends. I ignored her till the rest of the period. I don't intend to make friends with any of my classmates, specially that infuriating girl.



The whole week past by leaving me bored and fed up with school stuffs. I don't have money to use for night outs. I can't even buy my favorite drug or beer. Now I felt so thirsty... I have to take one of my medicines. This kind of craving is just hard to control. I looked at my wrist. My vintage watch that my late mother gave me is invisibly attached in it. Well, I sold it last month after my father started deducting my allowance. I can't think of any other thing I can sell. Hmm... maybe my mother has still kept some of her jewelries. I headed for home but before I reached the main gate of the university, I heard a loud scream. It was coming from the ladies comfort room few meters away.



Usually, I'll just ignore it had the voice didn't sound familiar. I ran towards it and proved my suspicion right. I saw Mhyrr, the nosy cash register girl, blindly running from the comfort room that she didn't even noticed me blocking her way. She screamed again when she bumped at me. I held her shoulders.



"Hey, it's me, Jet."She stopped screaming when she saw my face. "What happened to you? Why did you scream?"



She started sobbing. "Oh, thank God you're here." She looked like she needed a hug but just too embarrass to initiate it first. "I saw a man over there," pointing at the comfort room's direction. "His face is burnt, oh!" she sobbed harder. "I saw a ghost..."

"Hush now. Come on. Let's get out of here." I put my arm on her shoulder and led her out of the haunted place.

"I need a work."

Mhyrr just raised her eyebrow then continued eating the chicken leg we ordered from a fast food chain. We were hanging out at my house that morning of Saturday. After the ghost incident last week, Mhyrr started following me saying that we should be friends. Of course I thought it was a ludicrous idea. But she was persistent. She became very sweet, didn't mind if I kept on ignoring her. She would give me sandwiches and gifts as if she was courting me. So to stop her quirkiness, I just accepted her...as my buddy. Pch! Buddy my ass!

"What? Is that the only reaction I'll get?"

"What do you need a job for? You're rich.", she said before chewing her food.

"I need money to buy myself a pack of cocaine. My father can't afford to buy one. Not even marijuana."

She wrinkled her forehead. "So, you're a drug addict. I see..."

"Will you quit looking at me like that cos you don't really know what I've been through."

"I don't have to know. People judge you with how they see you now and would care less about what really happened to you in the past. In Facebook terms, they're expected to comment only on the recent updates."



"Oh, please. Stop showering me with your little ditties. Are you going to help me get a job or not?"



"I'll talk to my boss."



"That's better."



Mhyrr kept her promise and after three days, I went at her boss' office to formally apply for the job. Her boss, Mr. Gonzalo Dizon, is still young. He was nice but he looked a little strict. He asked some questions before formally announcing that I am accepted. As... a...security guard???What the heck?!



Anyway, I have no choice but to accept the job since the salary is reasonable enough. I just need to be patient and hard working to finally have a taste of that.... ahm... heaven. I glanced at Mhyrr who was yawning beside me. It was four in the morning and I was walking her home so we'll have enough time to rest before going to school. I can't help admiring her for her diligence and industry to support herself. She said her parents were already gone and her siblings were staying at the province. She was self-supporting and I hate to admit it, but she's the one who led me to the decision of (finally) looking for a job. Somehow, I felt ashamed of myself.



"Hey, what's with the long face? Are you that tired?"



She looked at me with sad and sleepy eyes. Wait, sad? "Yes, I'm so tired...",she said with a sigh. "Who wouldn't? The store almost sank with almost half of the female population entering there just to see the handsome security guard."



I did not bother hiding my grin. "Did I smell jealousy there?"



"Stop teasing me. And yes, I'm jealous. I'm almost regretful I ever helped you get a job there."



I can't explain that small tinge of joy that wrapped my heart with her confession. This girl, she's really good for my ego.



"Ahm, Mhyrr..."



"Hmmm?"



"Would you like to be my girlfriend?"Now, where did that came from?



I can see that she was stunned by my question. Good. Because I myself didn't know what to say next. I felt my blood rose to my face. Then I heard her chuckle.



"I can't believe this. You're blushing!" Her smile widened as she extend her hand on my left cheek. "Yes."



"H-huh?"Okay. I looked stupid.



"I said yes. You're already engaged to me."



" Ahh... wait, h-what?! Did I mention something about marriage? Or proposals?"



"Whatever you call it, you're not available anymore." Then she gave her sweetest smile before walking past me.



I let out a sigh of relief. Then found myself grinning like a fool. I just got myself a girlfriend... a weird one.



I never expect to be this happy with Mhyrr. She was a very sweet girlfriend. She was thoughtful, caring, and just so adorable. I still remember the first time we met. Was it that easy for her to forget all the mischiefs I made? Or maybe, she is really immune to my snobbishness? I already told her not to expect that I'll be a good boyfriend. She kissed me on the lips as a response. At that moment, as I savor the softness of her lips, I felt my chest heaved with an emotion I cannot fathom. All I can think of is the pleasant face of that girl who accepted me as I am. Who loved me despite my imperfections. And whom I've learned to care for in return. Yes, maybe this is what it really means. That I have learned to love this irritatingly cute girl I'm kissing.



Now, it's been four months since we are together. I still have my vices, but I don't regularly use marijuana now. I am trying to totally cut it.For Mhyrr. It's not easy. I always get headaches, I feel nauseous, I can't sleep at night. But I don't mind enduring these all. I'll do everything for that girl. Even if it would mean changing myself.For the better.



"My father wants to meet you."



She didn't react. She was busy arranging bottles of soya milk.



"Hey, did you hear me?"



"I did." She looked pale.



"Are you sick?"



That was when she looked at me. I never saw her, this serious before. I don't know why all of a sudden, my heart started beating so fast. Her expression makes me nervous. "Babe, what's wrong?"



She extends her hands on my nape and pulled me for a very tight hug. "H-hey, you're choking me." I returned her hug and I am sure, there'll be no other place on earth I would want to be at that moment.















"Yo, Sean! Tell me,am I such a bad person?" I placed the small tube filled with cocaine on my nose, and sniffed it before drinking another beer.



"You bet!", he was already lying on his bed, playing at the smokes of his cigarette.



"It's been a long time since you last joined our session, Jet. I heard you became busy dating a ten-year-old girl?"



"Shut up, Nick! I don't want to talk about her. And she's not ten years old." The words barely came out of my lips because my mind feels like floating. My heart is beating fast and my pupils dilate with ecstacy. "Aahh... Mhyrr..Mhyrr... Why'd you do this to me?" I didn't notice the tears coming from my eyes and I was laughing at the same time. But I just don't care. My friends don't care, coz nobody really cared about me. Not even Mhyrr. She never really loved me. If she did, then she shouldn't have left me. I don't really know what happened. Just one morning, I found out that she already moved out from her place. She also quit her job and nobody knows where'd she go. Not even his freakin' pathetic boyfriend. Ugh! Damn!



I wiped my tears away then stood up.



"Where you going, man?"



"I'll go find Mhyrr." I said smiling. "I'll ask her to marry me."



But before I reached the door of Sean's room, it jerked open and a guy that looked so much like my dad came in. "Who are you?!", I demanded.



"I'm your father, you rascal! You'll go with me now."



"I'm not going anywhere. I'm finding Mhyrr."



"I know where she is."



'You do?'



"Yes. But let me do this first." The man who's pretending to be my father gave me a straight punch on the face. My world turned faster. My bizarre mind became worse. I can't remember... can't think of anything. All that's left in my thoughts is that pair of smiling eyes and gentle lips that I so love to kiss. And that soft hair hanging loosely on her shoulders, and sweet voice that I would secretly record on my phone every time we talk. And here I am, I can't even remember her name.







The next morning I woke up, I had a personal talk with my father. He said Mhyrr went to America. He sent her there to get her medication. Yes, he was basically telling me that Mhyrr has a cancer. And I was so furious thinking how the two kept that secret from me. And much more devastated I was, learning that my poor Mhyrr my love, my heart, is sick. A serious illness that is.


"I want to see her."



"No, you can't. Look at you? Reddish eyes, dirty clothes, messy hair, you look so rugged. Do you want her to see you like that?" His every word struck me, bull's eye! Maybe he's right. Maybe I should fix myself first. A fixing that doesn't only require some shower and shave, and smooth-combed hair. I thought, it's all about staying in a rehabilitation to totally find a new life. Mhyrr, my heart, wait for me...



But it seemed fate doesn't really want me to be happy. I waited for more than a year inside the rehabilitation center. I endured the loneliness. I stayed there when all I really want is to see Mhyrr and hug her tight... knowing that she's scared with her illness, and that she need someone by her side... that she needed ME by her side... to comfort her, to hug and kiss her and tell her that everything's all right... that she'll recover soon... and that we'll be together again. At night, I would cry at my bed with great longing for her. I want to see her. Want to hug her...



But it's too late... I'm too late. She's gone... She was really gone... I'll never be able to kiss her again... or hug her and smell the fragrance of her hair. I'll never hear that voice and irritating laugh that I would always hear in my dreams... when I think of her... and wish that I would just sleep forever. To stay in a place where I could see her. That place where nothing, nobody, could take her away from me.



Mhyrr... my heart, don't forget me.



Lord, God... whoever you are, please hug her for me...









DJ Paolo walked towards his car in the parking lot. He saw Nick standing beside it.



"Yo! Thanks, Nick. You did me a great favor."



"Don't mention it, dude! Anyway, it's nothing. I had fun sharing your story. My voice is good on air, huh?"



DJ Paolo let out a smirk.



"You still miss her, don't you?"



"I felt better now... And I know this is what Mhyrr wanted me to do... To continue life and move on."



"Jet Paolo Tiu... I'm proud of you, man!"

REAL TALK

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."
-Ephesians 2:8-9



Hypothetical question #1:
     
             Regardless if you're a believer or not, try answering this question. What if, today, the world just suddenly stopped turning? And the sun started to lose it's fire. And the earth just started falling apart? And there, begins rapture. And all those who are meant to be saved just vanished in thin air, And those who are not, are left behind to witness the world crashing and crumbling. Where are you in this  situation? Are you part of those people who are saved? Or those who aren't?


Hypothetical question #2:

            Suppose, on the day of the second coming, a righteous man, who is well-known for all his charity works, is standing beside a known criminal and addict. Who do you think will be saved, and who do you think will suffer the eternal death?



            These questions are pretty common. But as often as they are being asked, not all people will have the confidence to give an answer. Like, if I ask you right now, "Are you saved?". Who will have the guts to answer me back with a big "Yes!"? And if you ask me the same question, how many brows will be raised when I answer you back, "Yes,I am saved."
            Let me tell you, in a test for instance, the students who has confidence on their answers, are those who have read and understood their review materials. Same is with these questions. Not a priest or a pastor can answer them for you. You will be the one who will know AND will decide if you are, or if you're gonna be saved or not. Your pastor and your Bible will help you understand, but in the end, it's your test, it's your answer, it's your salvation that will only matter.
            At this point, some may shake their heads, roll their eyes, and ask, "Salvation, big deal 'ba 'to?" "What a weak choice for a blog subject." Here's my reply. Right now, you may be enjoying your everyday cup of starbucks, can't live for a second without your smartphone, enjoying every moment of pleasure this world is offering you. But one day, this is the only question you'll ever asked. "How can I be saved?"

           "How will you know if you're saved?", this is the million-dollar question. And believe it or not, the answer has been given to you even before you understood you're own identity. I'm quite sure you remember every word of this verse by heart since you're little. Still got no clue? John 3:16 Who would dare say they've never heard of this before? But sad truth is, not everyone understands the truth behind it. It's as good as a poem without depth; like a song without melody.

              "For God so loved the world that He gave His one only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."

             Sin is the reason why there was an eternal separation between man and God. Man is a sinner and the wages of sin is death. Pretty much, we are all bound to suffer eternal death. Now, imagine being in God's position. A father who loves man more than any of His creation. How can he simply stand there and let us suffer and die? The answer is He can't. He simply can't. Not even the greatest mind will ever understand how great is our God's love for us.So what did He do? He sent His only begotten Son, and let Him take all the curse of our sin on His shoulder. And only on that day, when Jesus died on the cross as a ransom for our sins, that we received our salvation.
             So are we saved? Yes, we are. How? Well, definitely not because of your charity works, or your faithful tithing, or because you are a righteous man. You are saved because Jesus died for you.
             So are the criminals, addicts, and offenders of the law also saved? Yes. God's grace is for everyone. Nobody's exempted. Because this is the amazing truth about God's grace. It is given to those who are unworthy. For the just and unjust. The righteous and the lawbreakers alike. And besides, great or small, they are sin just the same. Every man is a sinner. Everyone is unworthy. But everyone is a recipient of this gift.

             And that...whoever believes in Him...shall not perish but have eternal life. 

             A gift can only be acquired if you decided to take it. There is one important factor in this truth. That this gift will not be valid unless you accept Jesus as your God and Savior.

            Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.   -John 14:6

            If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.    -Romans 10:9

             Is it hard? No one's forcing you to carry a cross and nail yourself on it. No one's asking you to sacrifice anything for anyone. There' only one thing. Accept Jesus in your life. Now, is it that hard? Do you find it so difficult to love Jesus? If yes, then I guess, you've never met Him yet. There's still no encounter. You have to opened that door and let Him enter. Like a persistent suitor, give Him a chance and get to know Him better. Then you'll see. That experiencing His love is the best feeling you will ever have in your entire life. Better than ice cream or sunsets, or walks in the beach. Better than the warm feeling of hearing the first Christmas carol, or watching flying lanterns. Even much better than dreams.  

            Imagine Jesus extending His arms to you, in His hand, the most wonderful gift you can ever imagine, the gift of salvation. Will you take it? Or will you forever take Him for granted?